Parting partner is always not easy. But it is useful to know: what you are now experiencing is absolutely normal. This is just one of the stages, and sooner or later it will end.
After a divorce with her husband, Anna initially coped well alone, but about a year later, when her husband married again, she “covered” her. “I acted just like crazy, obsessed. Followed the new wife of her former in social networks, completely did not control herself. It was bad for everyone: to myself and our children, ”she admitted to her psychologist, Karen Nimmo.
A woman – according to Nimmo, in everything else is quite mature and adequate – scared the power of her emotions, especially the anger, which she experienced despite the fact that the parting was a mutual decision. However, it often happens when a former partner decides to move on: old wounds, a trace of the former experience of abandonment, rejection or loss, again make themselves felt.
It seems to us that we are stuck and will never learn how to do without a person once close to us. This is wrong.
The stages of the gap that Karen Nimmo offers to rely on are echoing with the stages of grief formulated by the psychologist Elizabeth Kybler Ross (denial, anger, trade, depression, humility). As in the case of the latter, we must remember that each situation is unique and people can pass these stages in different sequences.
1. Emotional shock
The emotionally charged stage, during which everything is possible: tears, anger, anxiety, and if the parting has become a complete surprise for one of the parties, then confusion is also confused. But even if the gap was a mutual decision, it is quite normal, because something that you built together ended, and the circumstances of your life have changed.
To experience and anger, especially if the partner cheated on you. There may even be thoughts of revenge and the desire to follow the former (fortunately, the case, as a rule, is limited to virtual surveillance). Some people feel guilty (especially if they were not fully honest with a partner) or shame, they are afraid that people will “say”. The future appears unclear, and the unrest on this subject is also quite normal.
What to do?
Take your emotions, give yourself time to burn and load (you can do it in the company of loved ones with whom you feel comfortable), while trying not to do actions that you can later regret.
Do not make yourself smile from morning to evening. Remember: painful feelings are just feelings, and one day they will subside. If you are still united with a former partner, try to minimize communication, to discuss the “logistics” of children’s movements. And in any case, unsubscribe from him or her on social networks and do not go to the page.
2. Adaptation
At this stage, you gradually get used to existence outside of relations, which is especially difficult if you have lived with your partner for a long time. The mood can jump: you either enjoy freedom and time on yourself, then be sad because of loneliness and obscure prospects.
Loneliness is especially acute if you have children and they go to the former for the weekend or vacation. At this very stage, the client Karen Nimmo “broke”, realizing that the ex -husband does not pass through the same as she. Upon learning of his new marriage, the woman immediately installed her dating application, although, in truth, she was not yet ready for a new relationship.
What to do?
Find healthy methods of self -help and regularly practice them. It can be anything: meditation, reading, walks, diary, physical exercises, creativity, cooking
– just to help. And be sure to plan your free time in advance, especially the weekend and leave. It is also useful to set a new target in any way connected with the romantic sphere, and start moving towards it.
3. Doubts of yourself
By the time of the onset of this stage, the main emotions have already subsided, but doubts come to the surface – this is especially characteristic of those who were rejected. We begin to ask questions: was I (a) a good partner? Will anyone want to be with me again? What if I never meet anyone? Can I trust someone again? Can I trust myself, since I choose partners?
Because of these doubts, it is scary to build a new relationship: the old ones have not developed ”. Often at this moment, old impaired injuries begin to speak in us.
What to do?
It’s time to get to know yourself closer and remind yourself that you have good as a person and partner in you. Remember all the good things you did for a loved one and your relationship. It is also useful to reflect on what it is worth doing differently next time, so as not to repeat unhealthy patterns.
At this stage, you can already begin to meet new people, but on condition that you are confident in your ability to dance with a possible refusal, without taking it too close to your heart.
4. Adoption
We finally begin to accept the situation as it is, and in good days we even rejoice in life. At times, sadness, anger and doubts can return, but in general, we feel good. We don’t care what our ex, who meets. We are again sure that we worthy of a new relationship, we live a rich life: work, interests, friends, leisure, and we look at the future with optimism.
What to do?
Congratulate yourself: the path to this phase was not easy, but you managed. Continue to recognize yourself as a person and understand what you want from future relations – this will be very useful to you in your future life.
5. Height
You have studied yourself and your previous relationship: if they were unhealthy, now you understand why. You no longer hide on a relationship, perceive them as part of life, even an important. You either feel very comfortable alone with yourself, or enjoy a new novel.